Cartoon Confessions 4: Computer
by Drone person
Summary: The computer always helped Courage out, but something must have happen that caused him to make a stop at the Toon Tavern.


**Inspired by "Video Game Confessions", by Doug Walker aka That Guy With The Glasses**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Courage: The Cowardly Dog, or any of the characters in the cartoon. All Copyrighted material and Rights to Courage: The Cowardly Dog belongs to John R. Dilworth and Cartoon Network Studios.**

**The use of names and/or characters that are non-fictional or copyrighted to anyone else in this story is purely coincidental and accidental.**

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><p><em>This is the Toon Tavern, a classy, luxurious bar in no place in particular. Here the Tavern has normal patrons, and then there are the usual cartoons that come by to have a drink. However, some of these toons we know and love may sometimes do, done, or say things we never thought they would. And, of course, some bar tenders just tend to see such things with their very eyes. One in particular is named Edgar.<em>

**Cartoon Confessions: Computer**

So, I'm tending the bar, everything's going along normally, when in walks in someone I didn't recognize at first. It was one those old Windows-looking computers and it was walking on these…metallic tentacle claw things, there was like six of them and I-I don't even know how to explain it, there were just sticking out of him.

Anyway, he or it, if you wanna technical, comes up to the bar and says, "Give me the strongest, heaviest, absolutely most powerful drink you have."

He was talking in this English accent and that's when I realized who he was and I asked, "Are you the computer form Courage the Cowardly Dog?"

He says, "Yes, now please the, drink!"

I says, "Uh, how…I mean, you're a computer, how can, you drink?"

Then he goes into this mini rant, saying, "Look you annoying twit, I have had what could be the worst three weeks of miserable existence, I've been thrown into the dumpster you humans call Thrift stores and had to deal with a annoying five year old who spilled his juice all over my keyboard and nearly crack my screen with a baseball! Now I'm here, and all I want is a drink! Is that so hard? Is that so bloody hard?"

I was startled out of my pants at that. I didn't mean anything offensive; I was just asking how a computer can drink.

I said, "Okay, okay! Calm down, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Here this is the strongest drink we have." I hand him the drink and he grabs it with one of those claw things. He tries to drink it, but really, he's just spilling it on the counter.

I just stood there, awkwardly. I mean, here's a computer trying to drown himself in misery, by the looks of it. I could have just told him to go home and try clear his…hard drive some other way, but just seeing him there, trying to get drunk, it was too sad.

I asked, "Do you wanna talk about what happened?"

He sighs and says, "Windows 7. That's what happened."

I asked, "What do you mean?"

He says, "The dog, Courage, he wanted to upgrade me to Windows 7. Apparently my software is outdated, so when he tried to install it, I crashed! And what does the dog do, you ask? He buys a MAC! The rotten, good-for-nothing twit has the gull to abandon me for something else! Me, the one who he always went to if he had a problem with anything, and I mean anything! Heck, the little bugger actually used me once to call the police! Who uses a computer to call the police?"

I said, "Wow, I can't believe he did that. Did he at least give you some kind of formal farewell?"

He says, "Formal my rump! Before he decided to get a new computer, he literally said 'It's not you, it's me'! I am not even joking when I recite that!"

I said, "My god, that's terrible. If it's any conciliation, I gotta say he gave up something unique, I mean, you have a personality! It's a sarcastic one, but still, does the MAC even have one?"

He says, "My friend, you just answered the million dollar question."

I ask, "What do you mean?"

He says, "The MAC has an AI personality, like me! I did not want to believe it, but it was true! The twit somehow procured a talking, semi-self-thinking computer! And to add insult to injury, it has a female AI!"

I said, "Wait, the MAC is, in a sense, female?"

He said, "Yes, and that's why it's so horrible!"

I ask, "Wait, it's horrible that the AI is female?"

He says, "It's not because of gender reference. It's because…" He gets this hesitant tone, like he couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence.

I said, "Hey, come on, you can tell me. It can't be that bad."

He says, "You see a dog and a MAC walking together at a fun fair, holding each other by paw and claw while the dog teases it by rubbing cotton candy on its monitor, and try to explain to some random person that it's not that bad!"

I ask, "You're saying that Courage and the MAC are…intimate?"

His response was, "The world is a very strange place, my friend."

I was shocked like the dickens. I mean, I don't even know how or why someone would…I mean, just wow!

I ask, "Are you sure, like there wasn't any smudge on your screen or something?"

He says, "I'm very sure, they went to a fair, they went to a mall, they went to the Eifel Tower, and I don't even know how they got permission to go into space! On top of that, the dog gave the thing a name! He never gave me a name! Oh, and this is the worst part, the name is Macy, because it SO cute, isn't it? She's a MAC so he a puts a 'y' at the end and makes it Macy, that cruel son-of-a—"

I stopped him and ask, "Wait, you know where they went, and you know what he calls her?"

He says, "Yes, why?"

I asked, "You're stalking them aren't you?"

He sighs and fesses up. "Yes I WAS stalking them, okay. Are you going to arrest me or something like that?"

I said, "Well I can't blame you, I mean I'd be jealous too if someone buys a female electronic and takes her away from me."

He says, "What do you mean, 'take her away from me?'"

I said, "It's a classic case of jealousy. You like the MAC and Courage was the one who took her first."

He leans in, trying to be dramatic, I guess, and said, "Sir, you are only half right."

I ask, "What do you mean I'm half right?"

He says, "I'm not jealous of the dog, I'm jealous of the MAC."

I say, "Wait, what are you…oh my god, you're not saying…"

He says, "Like I said, the world is a VERY strange place."

I was very hesitant to ask, but I had to make sure that I was hearing right. So I ask, "You're…you're attracted to Courage, aren't you?"

He says, "Oh, bravo, you just found out the horrible truth, good show, REAL good show!"

I swear I nearly threw up right there. I read the text on his screen to make sure I didn't go brain-screwy or something, but it was no lie! I…I don't know how to explain it! I don't know how to comprehend it! Is it homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, bestiality, it's…blabooble! That's the only way I can explain it, blabooble! I don't even know what it means. I'm still trying to create a definition!

Then something completely different happens. The computer started to weep, and it wasn't just sobbing sounds, he was somehow producing tears that came through the sides of his monitor! I don't know how it was possible, and I don't know how it was happening, but he was crying all over the counter!

I couldn't just sit by and watch this. I grabbed his monitor and started shaking him to try and calm him down.

I say, "Hey, hey, get yourself together man, computer, whatever!"

He dies down the sobbing a bit and says, "I'm sorry, I just…"

I said, "Hey, look at me. While the feelings you have are just downright weird, are you actually just gonna sit by and let some new-age tramp take away your…love." I could have sworn I was going to vomit my brain out. "Come on, you're tougher than that weak little thing. She may be a MAC, but you're a PC. She may be reliable but, you're durable! You get what I'm saying?"

He says, "I should kill them and hang their intestines from the ceiling?"

I said, "No! Stand up to the MAC! Prove that you're better than her! If Courage can take out a robotic version of himself, you can mop a floor with a MAC! Now are you PC, or are you an iPhone?"

He asks, "Which one's better?"

I said, "Look, I'm trying to give you a pep talk, don't over think this." I finally let go of his monitor, look straight into his screen and I say, "Go to him."

He staggers up and says, "You're right. It's time to stop acting like blubbering buffoon and settle this!"

What happened next had to be an act of god. It just had to be, because right on cue, in walks in Courage and the MAC! The computer looked at Courage, Courage looked at the computer, the MAC and the computer looked at each other, and you could tell that stuff was about to go down.

The computer finally gets the guts to speak during awkward silence, and said, "Dog…Courage, I may be old and outdated, but I can still be helpful. We've searched so many strange things on the web in order to help you and your family, and I've been there for you, even if I didn't want to. We've been through so many things and we have always pulled through them. I may be an old and outdated PC, but I'm your old and outdated PC. This isn't the best speech in the world, but you have to understand that it's where it came from that count. Please, take me back, will you?"

That was just…really strange and yet heart warming. It was replace with intense suspense when the MAC came up to the computer and said, "That's cute and all, but you might as well stop trying, you old piece of crap! I'm his computer now, so you might as well go download a Trojan virus! Or else, I'm going to make you wish you were never built!"

It was starting to get serious here, these two were ready to fight and poor Courage was just trying to find a way to calm them down before something happened. Next thing you know, the MAC throws a punch and hits the computer straight in the screen. He gets up and now it just turns into an all out brawl. The computers were wailing on each other, grabbing chairs and smashing them on each other's monitors, and patrons were just trying to get out of dodge! It was a battle between a PC and a MAC! Now that I think about, that could have been a good commercial. But that wasn't important, we had a rampaging battle going on!

The fight finally accumulated outside and the two were on top each other, fighting to the death, and Courage was just standing in horror from the entrance. I knew had to do something before someone got hurt, so I go outside, get in earshot of the two computers and I just scream at the top of my lungs in order to get their attention.

When I saw that they stopped, I said, "Look, it's obvious you two are trying to kill each other to earn Courage's favor, but this is not going to earn it! If he's the one you're fighting for, than let him choose which one of you should belong to him."

I hated putting him on the spot, but this nonsense had to stop, and Courage was the only one he could resolve it, peacefully.

After about half a minute, he goes up to the MAC and says, "Macy, you're great, and you're very amazing…" Then he goes over to the computer and says, "…but I have a history with this computer. I'm sorry, but it's over."

The MAC's screen suddenly turns red and it screeches, "This isn't over, you crappy little turd! I'm gonna come back and when I do, you're both gonna be in body bags!" She then creates a drill from under her and burrows into the ground. Those MAC's, man, they're something else.

The computer turns to Courage and says, "I'm glad you chose me over her, dog, even though I may not be as good."

Courage just smiles and says, "Well, you did help me with a lot problems."

The computer says, "Maybe I can help with that empty spot at the foot of the bed."

Courage asks him, "What?"

And the computer says, "We'll talk about. Uh, we should probably go home now."

With that, they walked off home, into the night. That's love for ya. Crazy, messed-up, weird, creepy love.

Few seconds later, my boss comes up and chews me out for not asking the computer to pay for the drink, and took it out of my next pay check. Sometimes this job is a pain.

I love cartoons. They're awesome, funny, and fill my heart with joy. But, when I work here, I see them act out of character. WAY out of character. But, hey, it's just another day and another patron at the Toon Tavern.

**THE END**

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><p><strong>AN Longest one of the series I've written and I sadly might have screwed with the prose. But anyway, yeah, here it is.**

**The next confession will be Karen from SpongeBob Squarepants. If you want to see the previous three confessions find them on my profile, they should be there with the category it's in next to it.**

**Please R&R**

**-Drone person**


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